Friday, August 05, 2005

Excerpts from The Book of Dave

Chapter 25
1. And then Rabbi Murphy saith unto them, "Behold the wonders of the body. Are not amino acids glorious?
2. "For the buffer that is bicarbonate doth preserve our lives in a wondrous state
3. "Yea, for without we should not live."
4. But the Israelites did not hear, for lo, many had fallen asleep.
5. And then Rabbi Anderson saith unto them, "Behold the wonders of the cell. Are they not a wondrous thing?
6. "For the filaments doth anchor each cell to each other, yea, unto every little thing, from the largest hemidesmosome to the tightest junction
7. "Yea, for without we should not live."
8. And the cell was wondrous indeed, but many Israelites did not hear, for lo, many had fallen asleep.
9. Among those was a man named David. Now David was a shepherd of the tooth, and a follower of Incisor.
10. And he cried out loudly, saying, "Lo, for these lectures have become unto us a pain to our nether regions, even more so than that which is alginate."
11. And he resolved to rest his eyes and return to the temple to cast his gypsum idol and carve a wax idol to bow down to it.
12. But the LORD sent to David a deep sleep, and he slept for 120 minutes.
13. And when he awoke, he ran to the Temple of Incisor and found no one there, for the High Priest of Carving had already left, and many of the Israelites had left as well.
14. And he despaired, saying, "Alas, that I need to carve the wax by the morrow! For though this idol is not yet due, I must strive to discipline my soul in the ways of virtue! For when the time shall come that my knowledge be examined and my insight judged, I shall not be totally hosed."
15. And as he stood there, he hungered mightily.
16. But lo, there remained two faithful disciples of Incisor by the names of Jennifer and Cynthia, and Rico was with them.
17. For Jennifer and Cynthia had been carving and casting their idols of wax and gypsum while David remained asleep.
18. Rico, Jennifer's faithful companion, was just there.
19. And it came to pass that the three of them hungered mightily for the flesh of animals and the grains of the earth and they resolved to eat at D&A Cafe.

20. And when they saw David in despair, they said to themselves, "Lo, here is another whose eyes are fogged and belly cries out. It is good that he join our group to feast.
21. "For then there shall be no third wheel."
22. So they rode in Cynthia's chariot to the Richmond, to the D&A Cafe.
23. And they feasted on tofu and rice, and prawns of the honey walnut variety, and on fish and vegetables and all manner of good things of the earth, for the price of thirty shekels. And they were amazed at the quality and price of the food.
24. And there was laughter and conversation and all had a great time.
25. Then they said to one another, "Behold, we are in a foreign place. What manner of tchotchkes lie in the freaky shops around us?"
26. So they went to a place down the street, where there were all manner of things.
27. And they found a cup, that which was carved in the likeness of a skull, and they laughed mightily, for all 38 of its teeth were maxillary central incisors.

28. And in this store they saw a wall of shaded spectacles, all of which were Chanel and Gucci, but which were false.
29. And they said to themselves, "Are not these shades ridonkulous? For Lo, though they say Chanel and Gucci, they are but tacky ripoffs."
30. And they said to themselves, "We must take pictures."
31. And so they took several pictures in ridiculous poses and the like, which pissed off the storeowners mightily.

32. And after all had come to pass, they again boarded the chariot of Cynthia to return home.
33. And as they passed along the Road of Geary, they saw a wondrous sight, a four wheeled chariot in the shape of a ginormous sausage.

34. And they were amazed, for this was the Wienermobile. And though the four disciples had heard of its glory, they had not seen it for themselves.

35. And there was much rejoicing.

36. And they said to themselves, "Lo, although we are completely hosed for the morrow, we can retire with joy and thanksgiving, for we have seen the Wienermobile and yea, the face of God himself.
37. "And we have mocked the false idol for its complete disregard for dental anatomy."
38. And they resolved to see each other in the morning at the Temple of Incisor, of which they had no real choice in the matter.
39. And there was evening, and there was morning, the next day.


At 9:19 AM, Blogger Bo Diddly said...

awesome story... check out for more great stories.. leave a few comments.. we are huge food fans from socal

At 10:06 AM, Blogger starchmouse said...

hee hee...i've been reading this and cracking up, which makes me glad nobody is in the office yet to see me be all crazy and stuff. oh, if i had your skills....

At 12:00 PM, Anonymous your sister said...

hahahah! but please don't tell me that you really did sleep for 2 hrs only to wake up realizing that you missed pretty much the whole tooth carving session... heh. oh, and my fav "verses" are 27 and 37. *chortle* :o)

and the weinermobile?! i didn't even think it was oot-n-aboot on the road! good thing you have pics documenting its existence! hahah.

At 10:51 PM, Anonymous rico said...

i look like the president of the kim jong il fan club in that picture. Best! Story! Ever!

At 11:49 PM, Blogger superlefty said...

very nifty-o, dave! i'm glad that you're enjoying dschool so much! i still owe you an email. maybe i'll see you in person first. ")

At 12:27 PM, Blogger fried beef sandwich said...

thanks for all the great feedback guys!


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